faith in the nothing

weekend in the suburbs. the cold i feel
needs a faith in itself. that i will get through.
that i will see myself to the other side of this
unacceptable comfort, this fattening up
to be eaten later. i know it's motivated by love-- or maybe
it's not at all. maybe it's made by ego. huge gigantic ego,
ego so big, i can't even recognize it as such. i'm swimming in
thanksgiving dinners three times a day,
shiny new dishwasher and surround sound stereo. the
beautiful ugly that brings out an icy side in me
i haven't felt in too long. so long that
i had forgotten that this even existed,
this confused, hollow, empty chasing of pleasure that
drowns as it drugs.

and the wrongest of all is how right this is supposed to feel,
and i reel at the thought of being bought up for
a buck seventy five plus tax
so just relax and have some more popcorn, they say
as they play another movie on the shiny new television.
this is my battle, and i need to get through it.
i need to renew it even,
to feel it in the nothing,
to see God in the empty shape that He leaves behind.
so this is God's way of saying, hey--- you're not strong enough yet.
don't let it get to your head, okay? and by the way,
you're still mine, and your rhymes
and the times that you dance my dance
are fine. but it's still happening in my timing, not yours. and
i know you're ready, but don't run ahead. okay?