i will be strong...

do you believe in love?
i do, i quickly reply, raising my hand, thumping my chest.
but is it my brain replying, or is it my heart? because
of course my head knows what love is--- it's the capital L,
plus the letters O-V-E.
it's what people write about and talk about and fuck about.
it's what people drink about, tossing back
shot after shot of liquid hell, drowning in that infernal medicine.
of course i know what love is-- i say.
what do i look like, stupid?

"i love how you laugh", she says, looking at my eyes but
seeing only my penis.
goddamn, i hate that blood rush, the flushed face,
the ballooning ego. i know
what i want, what i need. it's not this--
it's her, it's her it's her it's her it's her.
it's been her for years, off and on, as i run back and forth,
toward and away from my destiny.
don't i ever learn? i think, enjoying the invisible strokes of my ego,
feeling them touching me in ways that
i know i will be ashamed about tomorrow,
brain screaming no even as i hear myself say yes.

"my mom thinks you're hot, my sister thinks you're hot"
fuck, i hate those words, i hate that distraction.
anything else, i can handle.
but when they touch me that same way she does, i react.
she makes me feel so alive, so real, so man.
can't i have just a little taste of that now?
yeah, i know it's just a vacation. i know
who and what i'm really supposed to be.
but what's so bad about being human? i say,
feeling myself begin to die already.
nothing bad will happen, i lie, knowing that it's already started.

strength under control is the hardest thing i'll never learn.
and love? of course i dont fucking know what love is.
i never have, and i don't think i ever will.
i don't know how to be jesus, i don't know how
to stand up straight and fight strong.
i don't know how to only have eyes for her,
i don't know how not to be shortsighted.
i know what's right, i know my duty, i know what i want.
"everything good is worth fighting for" i tell me,
reminding me how worth it she is.
reminding me that she's worth learning how to be pure, singleminded, holy.
reminding me at every moment, that i'm not that dog that
everyone else wants me to be,
that this treacherous heart of mine tells me that i am.
god help me, i say,
holding her tighter, whispering
"i love you"