and it turns me on. it fuels my craving for braving. and kills the pills i swallow to survive with its survival instinct of hate. burn away the inside as you hide my sanity with your screams of satanic smotherings. where is my life going? where has it been? a downward spiral toward the viral state of...
i stop myself mid-sentence as the other one takes over, telling me to be calm and be aware of others. you're a nice guy! this happiness is yours for the asking, just ask right now.
ha! i see you're not asking. so you like playing with fire, too? you like that glue that's holding you to the earth, destroying your worth and making you like an animal, this mechanical destruction of the definite, haplessly hurrying on toward your doom and gloom with every room you go through. you wanna be alive? then strive for me, hide in me as i swallow you up, licking your insides with my fiery forked tongue and creating the monster that you wish to be. then you'll be free to write your goddamn book and you'll look like how you want to be. you'll see. happiness is yours for the taking. take it, goddamn it!
oh god, where am i? i love your peace that takes me over. but what is that other thing that won't allow me to see you? i never asked for it. i don't believe that my clear head has happened as a result of technological advancement or by the creation of self. it's here because you put it here, to tell me that i'm doing all right. your presence
still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone! because you love it, as you shove it deeper and deeper down your throat, you won't
kill but you will play with it. what are you doing? who are you trying to be? is it my goal? is my goal good enough for you? why fight against me?
because i'm a man, goddamn it! and i love disaster. chaos is my friend. i end it all with my thorny hand and stranglehold anything in between. i ream my way through this day with force of will and the will to kill bill
and chill out. your doubt needs no longer be defended. i am yours, and you are mine. this is the voice of god, calling to you, not from the darkness, but to the light. live in me, and don't call back that other side any more. your ego means nothing, you want it gone. and as i fill you with my spirit, dont resist for your entertainment or for self. my plan is the beautiful one, and as i drive away that disease on your shoulder, know that my plan for you is perfect. and you need to follow it.
well, then, god, what do i do when i don't know? this trial-and-error stuff isn't working.
'there is a way which seemeth right to a man, but the ends thereof are of the ways of death." your fire of desire needs to be directed only to me, feel me and the darkness will leave. what i want for you and what i have for you are not to be decided by you. as your fingers fly and do my work, focus only on quieting, meditating on what is pure and holy. love conquers all, and my dreams are more beautiful than yours. trust me on this one, okay? you are my son.
thank you, god, i love you so much, thank you for destroying my doubt. i will be here for you to use. i am sorry for wasting away and wanting another day to do my own thing. i feel your presence and will try to follow you through this. i want you in my life, and i can't do this without you. you're my god. the only one. i will destroy the altars to all the rest. i need you more than anything else in this world, and i need your strength to do this. will you give me the strength? i want to be a man after your heart. after your heart, like a hunter chasing a runaway deer.
my child, i'm not running from you, neither am i hiding. you are mine, and i will be with you the second you ask. you need to ask harder, be stronger in my spirit, not yours. ask, and ye shall receive. seek, and you shall find. knock, and the door will be opened. for everyone that asks, receives, and he that seeks, finds.
okay, god, i understand that now, and i'm sorry for wanting to look at you through my own glasses. what do i do now? what about my desires that constantly creep in? i thought you said if i look to you, you would give me the desires of my heart? why do i seem to be fighting them? these desires aren't all good and aren't all right. how can i tell the difference? please tell me, god, i need a clear answer, not soft, quiet answers that i can't tell who they're coming from.
you know who they're coming from, my son. and if you're unsure, don't do it. avoid appearance of evil. your will speaks for you and you don't do what i tell you, not because of confusion by me, but because you want confusion. you want to do it yourself, instead of relying wholly on me. can't you just trust me? i'm right here whenever you need me.
thank you, father, i will do your will from now on. i humbly follow. please show me. show me right now what i need to do.
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