conversation

oh god, i want so badly to be both ways at once!
i don't want to look away from you, i want the faith
that you will come through, i just feel so helpless tonight
i can't help her, i can't be stable and strong and passionate and
i can't get by without your help. i thought you said you were making my life better!
but you're making it more stable. what is that about?
okay so stability isn't bad, i just think it is because i'm scared,
borderline paranoid, about losing my enthusiasm for life. but it's
still there, just on hold for now. then why do i have such a hard time believing you
when you say that you have plans to prosper me? maybe it's because
sometimes i don't wanna prosper, i just wanna
get drunk and fall asleep


but that's not your plan, you say, your plan is to raise me up, make me stronger,
more beautiful for you, raise me and put me on a pedestal, to show off to all who are within earshot, of what it looks like to be your servant.
that is all i can ask for, i suppose, god, i
would love to be used by you. i'm sorry for not wanting it before