afraid of losing it, i guess it's not that bad, really

now that i'm looking forward on my life, i wonder where this next year will lead... whether it will lead to forgetting, or to rediscovering. whether i will just get by, or if it will be as intense and exciting as last year.

i remember the clarity of thought, of mind
i remember caring, i remember believing things, real things
i remember not being confused
i remember brightness, i remember a beautiful future, and
i remember when all those things went away
it was a grey day, the kind of grey that pierces the most inner parts of the soul, the dull sky, neither light nor dark, but,

looking like a bit of boring nothing, the stuff of tee vee not worth watching, the
kind of scenery that you talk over, to forget that it's there, mostly

i remember thinking that i had it all figured out, only on this gray day, the day when it all fell apart

and my idealism finally found a home

far away

from me










i remember the day the bright fell, when i no longer believed that it would all just be better, when i realized that god was the one who did it, that i needed to rely on him and stop forming these crazy ideas with my head, crazy thoughts and crazy ways to use my brain
as a weapon

and it was then that i started to recover, and i am still recovering, falling
in and out of ruts in my mind, travelling between the synapses at a million miles per hour, my thoughts breaking in two then in two again, little trails of sense and theory flying off into infinite direction, faster than my conscious can carry them

and yes i still want so very very badly to feel as if i am going some place fantastical
where music just, flows, and,
everyone is jimi hendrix
and
we all speak, simply by making eye contact with each other
where everything makes sense and where i can look into your eyes and see straight to your heart, like i do sometimes
when the moon is right
and i pay attention


but instead the grey comes again
and again my precious theories are smashed

i fall and i don't get up again for a long time, longer
than last time even

and somewhere else someone else is making sense of it all
but it isn't me anymore, i fear
and the time-lapse camera shows us that the stars have been moving all night
but when i look at the picture
all i see is a blur